The Alcoholic Vampire Memoirs

Chapter 1: That Pesky Vampire Thing

Hello, my name is Peter, and I’m an alcoholic.
Also, I’m a vampire.
A vampire who happens to be an alcoholic. There, I said it. I feel better now.

I suppose I should start from the beginning? You’re probably curious as to how my relationship with the sweet nectar of beer began.
Oh.
It’s the whole vampire thing that intrigues you?
That’s fine. We can start there.

It was the summer of ’69. Oh, wait, Shit.
I’m thinking of the song.
I guess I’ve been listening to Bryan Adams a bit too much, sorry for the confusion.

I was “turned” just after my 21st birthday.
You know how it goes:
Meet a girl at a bar.
She pretends she’s into you.
Next thing you know you’re a Vampire.
A story as old as time itself.

She was never to be seen again, so I had to figure all this Vampire crap out for myself.
It sucked.(That totally wasn’t intentional)

I’m sure you’re wondering: “Do you sparkle?”
No, no I do not sparkle. That’s just some made up craziness. REAL vampires do not sparkle.

Anyway, the whole point is this: DRINKING BLOOD IS DISGUSTING.
I was never a huge drinker, you know, a few beers here and there.
But the blood, my life-force, was just plain awful to get down.
I tried hard alcohol at first, but that caused “limp fang”, so I wasn’t able to feed.
Then I moved on to beer.
A LOT of beer.
The stronger, the better, and I’ve never had an issue with “limp fang” since.

To be continued in…
Chapter 2: The Vampire’s Beer Bible

 

About @TheStraightHops 164 Articles
I like beer. I drink beer. Sometimes, I even review beer. If I feel like it...

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